I Was Laid Off From USAID a Yr In the past. I Nonetheless Really feel Survivor’s Guilt.

This as-told-to essay is predicated on a dialog with Jay Gulledge, 59, who is predicated in Tennessee. The termination of his employment at USAID and present employment have been verified by Enterprise Insider.

When the Trump administration dismantled the US Company for Worldwide Growth final yr, I used to be one of many 1000’s of staff who misplaced their jobs. I used to be 58 on the time.

A yr on from being laid off, I am proud of how issues have turned out for me: I work for an distinctive group with nice colleagues.

However, now and again, after I speak to a former colleague or see one in all their LinkedIn posts, I begin to really feel survivor’s guilt. I ask myself: Why was I so fortunate?

I believed USAID can be the ultimate chapter of my profession

I’ve had an extended and winding profession, and my route into working at USAID was circuitous.

Within the early 2000s, I used to be an educational scientist. I went on to work at a climate-change assume tank, then in center administration at a laboratory. I took some years out to seek the advice of and construct a real-estate portfolio, with the purpose of producing passive revenue.

In my 50s, I grew to become serious about worldwide improvement. There is a long-running American Affiliation for the Development of Science fellowship program that locations scientists and engineers into US federal businesses.

I did not have a background in worldwide improvement, simply an curiosity. The fellowship was a foot within the door of USAID and, beginning in September 2022, I spent a yr there as a fellow earlier than becoming a member of as a local weather change integration adviser on a two-year direct-hire contract.

Once I joined the fellowship, I used to be 56, and I anticipated USAID to be the ultimate chapter of my profession.

My work match squarely inside the Biden administration’s priorities, however I knew these priorities would shift with a change in authorities.

When Donald Trump received the 2024 election, and later when Elon Musk and the Division of Authorities Effectivity, or DOGE, had been within the information, I assumed my days had been numbered.

None of us imagined the company can be shut down solely.

Colleagues discovered the layoffs scary, however I discovered them unhappy

The environment final February was chaotic. We might heard a variety of various things, and we did not actually know what was happening.

Many colleagues described this era as scary. It did not really feel scary to me. Unhappiness was my dominant feeling, not a private unhappiness, however hurting for the world and my nation. USAID had inefficiencies, nevertheless it helped thousands and thousands of people that do not get that assist anymore.

On February 19, 2025, I acquired an e mail that my termination would take impact on March 5.

Shedding my job was a success, however at 58, I used to be later in my profession, I had some passive revenue from my real-estate portfolio, I haven’t got youngsters, and I used to be going to have the ability to pay my payments. It wasn’t going to devastate me financially or hurt my household in any important approach, like it might have carried out for others.

The job market was flooded by individuals with experience much like mine

When my termination took impact, I attempted to discover a job that may deliver me profession satisfaction. That late in my profession, I did not must discover a job purely for the cash.

I used to be listening to that a lot of my colleagues had been making use of for dozens of jobs and getting no calls again. The market was flooded with job seekers in areas associated to my experience. There have been 1000’s of opponents for each job, and the chance was that I won’t discover something.

I did not apply for a lot of jobs, and largely averted worldwide improvement roles, as a result of I had former colleagues who had been much more certified for them than me.

I knew that if all else failed, I may return to investing in actual property.

I used to be unemployed for about six months earlier than I discovered the proper position because the director of scientific applications at PSE Well being Vitality, a analysis middle that examines the well being implications of the power system.

I nonetheless really feel survivor’s guilt

A yr on, I am proud of the place I’ve landed. I like studying about new scientific ideas and dealing with distinctive colleagues.

Nonetheless, there’s an plain sense of loss. I labored for years to maneuver into worldwide improvement, deliberately cultivating that path, and it was taken away from me. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I additionally nonetheless really feel survivor’s guilt. It is not a day by day factor, nevertheless it usually comes up after I pause to mirror. I take into consideration my former colleagues, actually succesful individuals, who’re nonetheless unemployed.

For a lot of of them, they’d been at USAID for his or her entire careers, and actually cared about their work. My identification was not constructed round my job as a result of I might solely been there for a few years.

I landed on my ft, however the sheer variety of individuals let go meant not everybody may. They have to really feel a fair deeper sense of loss than I do.

Enterprise Insider contacted the Workplace of Personnel Administration for a remark however didn’t obtain a response.